Thursday, September 29, 2005
The Diarrhea Excuse
due to popular demand, I am releasing the story of the diarrhea excuse. some or most of you all have already seen this in email form:
I did something I thought was pretty entertaining Wednesday.
Most of you where at my wedding where Pinger revealed my usage of what I like to call “the diarrhea excuse” during the best man speech. In case you missed it, Pinger said he was glad that I showed up, and was surprised I didn’t give Melissa the diarrhea excuse. Once upon a time, I soon found out that giving someone a standard “I don’t want to go out” excuse only resulted in nagging or arguing, which often ended up with me going out despite my objections. I then unleashed the “the diarrhea excuse” which worked up until everyone started catching on. it is so great, b/c no one argues or nags someone with diarrhea. I guess they are so impressed (or mortified) with your candor, that they accept your unwillingness to leave the house, and move on to another subject.
I decided to use it Wednesday when I got a ticket on campus. I was just going in and out of a building to get a floppy disk, and I evidently parked in a fire lane, and when I came back, there was two, Yes! two police cars (evidently one of them needed backup) parked by my truck. I talked to one of them, he said that he had called a tow truck, but will call it off since I was there, and I thought I was off the hook. But when I got in the truck, I found the $50 ticket on my windshield! I was filled with murderous rage and proceeded to the local campus police station and asked what my recourse was. They informed me that all I could do was write an appeal. I been through this before at IU, and the outcome is always the same. I have tried the “I am a poor student” sympathy thing, and even tried to make some stuff up, but, I decided that the only way I could talk my way out of it is by being clever.
Before I show you the appeal, I want you to know that I am not making any of this up. I really mailed this in on Thursday, and the diarrhea excuse really works in social situations. Try it sometime. It will get you out of all kinds of stuff. I almost used it on a professor this semester because I missed class. Anyway, here it is:
Appeal to campus parking:
I admit that I parked behind a “tow-away” sign on Walnut St. in order to gain quick access to the the building, but as you will see, it was for good reason! About 15 minutes before I parked my truck I was stricken with searing gastro-intestinal pain and quickly decided that diarrhea was inevitable. Not wanting to torment any fellow stall mates with the utterances that only comes with a movement of that nature, I decided to make a bee line for my truck and home lavatory for more private environs. As I was proceeding North on University Blvd, I experienced numerous stabbing pains and was convinced that I would have to visit the bathroom immediately. I took a left onto Walnut and parked my car behind the said sign, and quickly weighed my options. I could risk the small fee I would get for parking on the side of the road, and relieve myself, or suffer the pain and possibly have an accident where I sit. Besides, I new it would be a quick endeavor. The choice was clear. I went in to the building, did my business and came out. I figured at most I would pay $7.50 for a ticket, so you could imagine my horror when the ticket said $50.00 for blocking a fire lane! In fact, after seeing the ticket I was so shocked, I was inclined to visit the bathroom again! At the time, I had no idea that I was subjecting myself to a parking infraction of that magnitude. I think that we have all been in this position, and I hope that the appeals committee can sympathize with my situation and forgive any misdoings as a matter of answering an urgent call of nature.
Great job Timmy!!!