Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Diarrhea Excuse

due to popular demand, I am releasing the story of the diarrhea excuse. some or most of you all have already seen this in email form:

I did something I thought was pretty entertaining Wednesday.

Most of you where at my wedding where Pinger revealed my usage of what I like to call “the diarrhea excuse” during the best man speech. In case you missed it, Pinger said he was glad that I showed up, and was surprised I didn’t give Melissa the diarrhea excuse. Once upon a time, I soon found out that giving someone a standard “I don’t want to go out” excuse only resulted in nagging or arguing, which often ended up with me going out despite my objections. I then unleashed the “the diarrhea excuse” which worked up until everyone started catching on. it is so great, b/c no one argues or nags someone with diarrhea. I guess they are so impressed (or mortified) with your candor, that they accept your unwillingness to leave the house, and move on to another subject.

I decided to use it Wednesday when I got a ticket on campus. I was just going in and out of a building to get a floppy disk, and I evidently parked in a fire lane, and when I came back, there was two, Yes! two police cars (evidently one of them needed backup) parked by my truck. I talked to one of them, he said that he had called a tow truck, but will call it off since I was there, and I thought I was off the hook. But when I got in the truck, I found the $50 ticket on my windshield! I was filled with murderous rage and proceeded to the local campus police station and asked what my recourse was. They informed me that all I could do was write an appeal. I been through this before at IU, and the outcome is always the same. I have tried the “I am a poor student” sympathy thing, and even tried to make some stuff up, but, I decided that the only way I could talk my way out of it is by being clever.

Before I show you the appeal, I want you to know that I am not making any of this up. I really mailed this in on Thursday, and the diarrhea excuse really works in social situations. Try it sometime. It will get you out of all kinds of stuff. I almost used it on a professor this semester because I missed class. Anyway, here it is:

Appeal to campus parking:

I admit that I parked behind a “tow-away” sign on Walnut St. in order to gain quick access to the the building, but as you will see, it was for good reason! About 15 minutes before I parked my truck I was stricken with searing gastro-intestinal pain and quickly decided that diarrhea was inevitable. Not wanting to torment any fellow stall mates with the utterances that only comes with a movement of that nature, I decided to make a bee line for my truck and home lavatory for more private environs. As I was proceeding North on University Blvd, I experienced numerous stabbing pains and was convinced that I would have to visit the bathroom immediately. I took a left onto Walnut and parked my car behind the said sign, and quickly weighed my options. I could risk the small fee I would get for parking on the side of the road, and relieve myself, or suffer the pain and possibly have an accident where I sit. Besides, I new it would be a quick endeavor. The choice was clear. I went in to the building, did my business and came out. I figured at most I would pay $7.50 for a ticket, so you could imagine my horror when the ticket said $50.00 for blocking a fire lane! In fact, after seeing the ticket I was so shocked, I was inclined to visit the bathroom again! At the time, I had no idea that I was subjecting myself to a parking infraction of that magnitude. I think that we have all been in this position, and I hope that the appeals committee can sympathize with my situation and forgive any misdoings as a matter of answering an urgent call of nature.

i bet this excuse isn't really within the "guidelines" of granting an appeal but the committee probably found it so amusing and creative that they waived the fee! great work!
that was my intent. however, i never heard back so we will never know.
wow, that's the hardest I've laughed in a long time!!! I'm definately going to be using "the diarrhea excuse" sometime!
Great job Timmy!!!

The diarrhea excuse didn't work. I had to pay $50 to those theives!
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