Wednesday, February 08, 2006

that crazy lady from wal mart.**updated**

**** UPDATE***** After reading this over, I realized that i didn't capture the true effect of what happend that night. enhanced this story a little, so you might re-read it if you have already.

Begin story time!

I went out last night, in to the dark cold with 3 goals. One, to get new wiper blades for me and wife’s car, two, to pick up a papa Murphy’s pizza, three, to pick up some prescription drugs for said wife.

I went to k-mart first because it was close to papa murphy’s. I went to their wiper-blade aisle and found out that they did not carry any refills to fit in my factory wiper blade (or wife’s). I also saw that they carried refills, but they wouldn’t fit their own wiperblades. The wiper blades are at least double the amount of a refill, so this is a big difference in price. I left and went to get my pizza. Before heading in there I went to Advanced-Auto Parts. Same senerio. I was beginning to think that there was a conspiercy where they doop you into always buying the more expensive blade assembly instead of the cheap refill. Not wanting to be suckered, I left there , got my pizza and went to Wal-Mart. It must have been “freaks get 10% off night ” b/c I witnessed multiple occurrences of low-brow hijinks on my way to the automotive section. That was mere forshadowing for what was to come.

I would like to wind up my wiper blade converstation at this time, b/c the story is now going in a totally different direction. But, to wrap that up, know that even wal-mart will not only not carry factory refills, but they don’t carry refills for their own blade assembly. Please help me expose this plot to overcharge consumers. Step one in the process is destroying your car.

Anyway, at this point in the story, I had a run-in with Indianpolis’s most maniacal wal-mart frequenter. I am standing there using the electronic thing that you look up the length and brand of wiper blade, and this girl about my age walks up looking like she found all the clothes she was wearing and then didn’t change for 2 months. She had on a sock-hat that was pulled down almost at eye-level. (you will see the irony in her resemblance to mushmouth shortly)

Honestly, I didn’t get a good look at her at that point because I was preoccupied with the electronic thing. But I saw her in my periphery and thought she would like to use the device, so I offered to let her use it and look for my first set of wipers. She said something incomprehensible and started to push buttons. I quickly realized I forgot what I needed to find, so I asked to look at it, just for a sec, hoping that she hadn’t navigated too far away. This apparently was her queue that we were friends and she should get to know me better. She said something else incomprehensible while staring up and above my face with a crazed look, but I think the message was that she didn’t know what she was doing when it came to this electronic thing. I took that as a sign that I should avoid her and moved a little to the left and found my first blade (which I remembered). Then, her common-law husband came up with a camo hat on sideways, 2-3 teeth in his mouth, and about a 10 year old kid in the basket part of the cart, and started to bitch at her about running off. I thought this was great because she would go away and I could use the electronic thing again. She turned to me and uttered a long story of words that don’t go together all while looking crazy up-and-over my shoulder. It honestly sounded like she picked words at random out of her vocabulary while slurring them all.

she may have or may not have said this: (say these outloud with an entire bananna in your mouth)

"come the slather-batter dismount charlie figure."
"All of the flip-flap 3-prong wishyness blabber-blink outside."
"Why bottle if the goop sounds ill on dolly wizz?"
"The starter is a blinky-blink and so does the huckle-buck"

I made out the words “3-prong” and “starter”. I stared at her aghast until she was done. I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone who has the diction of an infant? While the content was lost forever, her tone and mention of “3-prong” and “starter”suggested that she needed advice about her car. I mustered up a response and told her I didn’t work here (a good, safe response). Her toothless husband saved me and whined, “come-awn”.

She then told me: “Okay, because I got three uncles”, and turned around and went with her husband. I am very sure that is what she said.

I tried to get the rest of my wiper blades all while studying what had just transpired. I concluded that something happened to her car and she was looking to the electronic wiper-blade catalog for answers. when she couldn't use it, she asked me. when she saw the fear in my eyes and was nagged by her husband, she realized that she had some uncles that would help. that seems logical. I cannot explain her crazy-talk. maybe my ears were temporarly broken and rearranged words.

As I walked out of the wal-mart, a woman cried out in a desperate plea, “STOP, DANNY!”. I thought to myself : “Please be her”. I turned around. It was her. She then started running after a moving car. I never saw her again.

This concludes the story about that crazy lady from wal-mart.

If you are out there crazy lady,

I miss you.

you need to move
when andrea gets true migraine headaches she talks like this. i cant say that i remember wearing a hat at the time, though.
Sounds like you ran into Jodie Foster have a flashback into her "Nell" character.
I'm surprised this woman doesn't live somewhere in your neighborhood based on the stories you told of all your other neighbors.
I've just come across your blog. I just read this post. I just blew orange juice out my nose from laughing.
Thanks. I am now a confirmed fan with a nose dribbling painful orange juice.
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