Thursday, July 12, 2007

cubical game

I just started a new job.

The weeks before I started work I was elated because it occurred to me that I might be getting an office. All the other engineers have offices, so I thought I would too.

Guess what? I got stuck in a cubical.

My spirit is crushed.

It isn't a big deal, because the cubical I had in my last job didn't have enough room to revolve my chair without hitting something. I usually had to slip into my chair from above. Anyway, I hear we are being moved to what are called "pods" which I think are pretty small as well (too big to be a cubical). I think after a few months in the pods we will move into cardboard boxes.

Before this, I also shared a small room with a who's-who of stereotypical ethnic grad students. Who, by the way, yammered in their native tongue all day directly in my ear. It was very distracting. One also would watch what seemed to be some sort of Indian Cartoon which looked like a rip-off of voltron except everyone had blue skin and some sort of golden armor (along this line). But I digress...

With my current cube mate (across the wall) I have heard some interesting conversations. I usually catch some part of a conversation here-and-there. Sometimes I try to piece together what the context of the conversation is by hearing only a few words. It is usually about work or about her house, which really isn't exciting.

On some lucky days she shares a recipe with another coworker, and I try to figure out what dish she is making with just some tidbits of information. Then I imagine her with an apron and a chef hat on, and serving it to me over the cubical wall.

A lot of my fantasizing during work involves food*.

Today I heard her say, "...chicken and egg" **. I quickly figured it was part of a recipe, and I tried to think about what dish it would be.

I was thinking of some kind of chicken salad with egg in it. All at once, it sounded very disgusting to me and I felt sort of uncomfortable. I am not sure why. I like eggs, and I like chicken. I guess it is the principle of eating two generations of an animal in one dish, which is all kind of mashed together in mayonnaise. The worst part is that you could potentially eat a lot of it and then realize that there is both eggs and chicken in it. You might even bug your eyes and balloon out your cheeks in surprise like Jack Tripper would do.

John Ritter as that lovable Jack Tripper, from TV's Three's-Company. Next Week's obscure reference: Uncle Jesse.

Hey! Let's all agree to make some chicken and egg salad and bring it to our next office pitch-in.

Holy shit! What a great idea! I am so going to do that. This is my chance to freak-out a whole new group of coworkers. I will be known as the guy who is usually normal, but always brings in odd dishes that no one touches. I can bring in stuff like refried bean-and-yogurt dip, or tossed salad with ketchup on it, or Jello squares with olives instead of fruit***. Or, I can bring in food where it is clear I just grabbed something out of the pantry on my way out the door. I can bring in stuff like frozen waffles, cans of creamed corn, or a jar of gravy.

And if someone confronts me about it, I will get defensive and hurt about it until they leave me alone. See? Foolproof!

Please support me in alienating my co-workers with this evil plan.


*the other is that my office is taken over by zombies and I have to fashion weapons and fight my way out.

**I later decided she meant "chicken and egg", as in; "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

***or gristle-lumps

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Monday, July 02, 2007

Defending my Honor

Some recent scathing feedback has prompted me to prove that I am original and don't rip off other people's work and pass it as my own.

As most of you know, I have a few blogs devoted to some silly ebay feedback that I left just for fun. They are here: one, two, and three. on the second one, you'll see that someone thought I stole the idea from someone named mr_bo**ox. That person also had no compunction about calling me "lame" and also doing that thing where you substitute words for numbers and spell all crazy. Which is kinda cute.

I also hasten to point out that said person didn't provide a URL to prove his alligations. A quick google search of "mr_bo**ox" eventually led to his ebay page, where, as expected, I didn't find the feedback that I supposedly ripped-off.

HEY! I am not taking this lightly. I know this is just a silly blog, and I am totally wasting my time worrying about some 11-year old shut-in's fat-rage, but being called unoriginal is total bullshit, especially since a) that feedback was created by me and b) I thought (at the time) that the concept of leaving crazy ebay feedback was entirely my idea. After seeing mr_bo**ox's work, and doing a google search of "silly ebay feedback" I see that multiple people are doing it (go here for some REAL laughs), which really shouldn't surprise me.

anyway, to prove I didn't rip off anyone I went to my ebay feedback and captured my "left for others" feedback. It is below (you might have to click on it to enlarge). I think all or most of the feedback in previous blogs are on that image. I made sure to cover up anyone's secret identity with hats. Including my own user name. I made sure everyone can see the begining of them name, which starts with Tim, which we all know is my real name.

so suck on that, fatty.

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