Friday, September 30, 2005
I mean, Donald Trump is awesome!!
when he fires people on his show and strips them of all dignity in front of millions? that is entertainment!
but wait, here is another hum-dinger:
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher finally got married!! I love those two cuties! That hunky Ashton Kutcher is in all of the movies I love most! "Dude, Where is my Car" was a instant classic and national treasure. And I certainly need to know about their material status, b/c if they wern't married by now, I would close my eyes when they came on.
whenever I run across stuff like this, I have to actually proclaim to myself that I don't care. Sometimes, I even say it out loud. I think I do this because people on the radio, TV, magazine, internet, telegram, etc, reel me in for the first couple of seconds, and then I realize that I don't care, then I have to shock myself out of paying attention to it by saying something brash, like "OH MY GOD I don't care!" They usually get to me by acting like this gossip is some urgent news flash, and I am like, "I better listen to this, sounds important", and then they talk about Britney Spears, or Urkle, or whatever, and I have to psych myself out.
That being said, sometimes I will still watch/read some of it just to make sure I still hate it.
Sometimes I do this with food. I try food that I hate to make sure I still hate it. I do this with fish and mushrooms. I don't know why.
Before I get into the crux of this post, I really should say that I hate Tara Reid and Paris Hilton with a firery passion. For some reason, they are now America's sweethearts. One is most famous for filming naked sex all the while being a talentless rich snob, and the other is famous for entertainment-free movies and having her boob slap out while on the red carpet. Good work gals, you are really setting the bar high for America. These are what sweet, innocent little girls have to look up to. I guess I am kinda beating around the bush, b/c that isn't what bugs me about them. What bugs me is that they successfuly overshadow their stupidity with how good looking and trendy they are, and young impressionable girls see this and think this is how their life should be. I can see a landscape of girls captivated in front of the TV watching paris hilton in "the simple life" describing her milk-maid overalls as "so not hot".
Shut the hell up paris! Go to some island where you won't bother us anymore!
and all the little impressionable girls think in their simple little girl way:
fashion - work - intelligence + snobby bitch = radical!
that really is the take home message. then they look at me, or the future me, and say: "up yours dad, taking out the trash is so not hot." Then they rush to their room and wonder why their dad wants them to be smart and work hard while discarding all of the non-designer clothes( not hot) and shoes (sooo not hot)... and I rush to my room and sob on my pillow.
I am not basing this off of these charming celebs either. Have you seen cable TV? there are more shows than i can count on one hand about spoiled little rich kids. I seriously wrote a note to myself on the fridge to watch "wealthy cattle drive" so i can renew my hatred for one of the little doushebags on it.
check this out: I accidently wandered on to this site when I was looking for a Mr. Burns quote on the internet :http://www.25hoursonline.com/.
Let me share this quote with you from the site:
"Actress Tara Reid promises she has finally got her "hooters under control." Talking of the incident when she flashed her left breast while on the red carpet last year, Reid says "You would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi!" "
that quote is for the ages.
I don't know how to even begin criticizing this statement. I really don't. The fact that Gandhi has been dead for at least 40 years is a good start. Also, why Gandhi? Why not Napolean? Or some other hisorical figure that is tucked away in the rich tapestry of knowledge that is Tara Reid's brain?
how about santa clause?
that sounds like a good bet Tara! I am pretty sure everyone would be upset with you if your boob shot santa clause. everyone loves santa clause. Pick him next time.
In the future when you describe the public's reaction to your inane antics, try to reference your boob killing fictional characters adored by children far and wide, and not the boob-assissination of a beloved nonviolent resistance leader that has been dead for years.
lets start small and work up... but... we want to maintain the stuipidity of your last statement...
how about your boob shooting the other boob? that shouldn't be hard to remember Tara. its easy! you have two of them, ya know.
"Hi, my name is Tara,and sometimes my boob just flops right out!"
If I were her, I would try to keep my mouth shut.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
The Diarrhea Excuse
due to popular demand, I am releasing the story of the diarrhea excuse. some or most of you all have already seen this in email form:
I did something I thought was pretty entertaining Wednesday.
Most of you where at my wedding where Pinger revealed my usage of what I like to call “the diarrhea excuse” during the best man speech. In case you missed it, Pinger said he was glad that I showed up, and was surprised I didn’t give Melissa the diarrhea excuse. Once upon a time, I soon found out that giving someone a standard “I don’t want to go out” excuse only resulted in nagging or arguing, which often ended up with me going out despite my objections. I then unleashed the “the diarrhea excuse” which worked up until everyone started catching on. it is so great, b/c no one argues or nags someone with diarrhea. I guess they are so impressed (or mortified) with your candor, that they accept your unwillingness to leave the house, and move on to another subject.
I decided to use it Wednesday when I got a ticket on campus. I was just going in and out of a building to get a floppy disk, and I evidently parked in a fire lane, and when I came back, there was two, Yes! two police cars (evidently one of them needed backup) parked by my truck. I talked to one of them, he said that he had called a tow truck, but will call it off since I was there, and I thought I was off the hook. But when I got in the truck, I found the $50 ticket on my windshield! I was filled with murderous rage and proceeded to the local campus police station and asked what my recourse was. They informed me that all I could do was write an appeal. I been through this before at IU, and the outcome is always the same. I have tried the “I am a poor student” sympathy thing, and even tried to make some stuff up, but, I decided that the only way I could talk my way out of it is by being clever.
Before I show you the appeal, I want you to know that I am not making any of this up. I really mailed this in on Thursday, and the diarrhea excuse really works in social situations. Try it sometime. It will get you out of all kinds of stuff. I almost used it on a professor this semester because I missed class. Anyway, here it is:
Appeal to campus parking:
I admit that I parked behind a “tow-away” sign on Walnut St. in order to gain quick access to the the building, but as you will see, it was for good reason! About 15 minutes before I parked my truck I was stricken with searing gastro-intestinal pain and quickly decided that diarrhea was inevitable. Not wanting to torment any fellow stall mates with the utterances that only comes with a movement of that nature, I decided to make a bee line for my truck and home lavatory for more private environs. As I was proceeding North on University Blvd, I experienced numerous stabbing pains and was convinced that I would have to visit the bathroom immediately. I took a left onto Walnut and parked my car behind the said sign, and quickly weighed my options. I could risk the small fee I would get for parking on the side of the road, and relieve myself, or suffer the pain and possibly have an accident where I sit. Besides, I new it would be a quick endeavor. The choice was clear. I went in to the building, did my business and came out. I figured at most I would pay $7.50 for a ticket, so you could imagine my horror when the ticket said $50.00 for blocking a fire lane! In fact, after seeing the ticket I was so shocked, I was inclined to visit the bathroom again! At the time, I had no idea that I was subjecting myself to a parking infraction of that magnitude. I think that we have all been in this position, and I hope that the appeals committee can sympathize with my situation and forgive any misdoings as a matter of answering an urgent call of nature.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I am not sure what that is supposed to mean, but it makes me think of changes. (this is from the soap opera, days of our lives)
So once again I have changed the template of my blog. please do not be alarmed. This will be the last time. If you are having a hard time seeing the text, please hold down control and spin your 3rd mouse wheel until the text becomes nice-looking.
I have also added a counter so I can track how popular I am. This will either boost my self-esteem, lower it, or keep it where it presently is.
please someone say something funny in the comments to save this post.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
being a homeowner is FUN!
I mean, I over-fertilized my yard. Not knowing that there was such thing as “over-fertilizing”, I used up what I had left of a bottle. It turns out that I used about 2 times the amount I should have, during the first drought of the year. (around march) My grass died within two days.
Now my yard is a vile, lifeless hodge-podge of matted dead grass, dirt, and anthills. The ants are in control now.
Please see the pictures below:
As you look at the house, here is the front:
here is the left side:(she was hit the hardest)
here is the right side:
and here are some highlights from the back:
This might not look that bad, but it is. It is a serious eye sore. To show some contrast, here is what my neighbor’s yard looks like:
I wanted our lawn to look somewhat comparable to his. So yesterday, I undertook “the great awaking”. I wanted to revitalize the yard! YEAH!
My enthusiasm quickly turned to sadness.
I rented a power thatcher and pushed that damn thing around until a couple vertebra popped out into the yard. I then scooted around on my butt, and pulled the thatcher behind me with my teeth. If you have never used one, it is great fun. If you can imagine, it requires enough force that you have to bend over and push with all your might, and since I decided to do it when the ground was wet, it would get stuck every 10 feet or so.
After 2 or 3 hours of that hell-on-earth, I raked up all the thatch and live grass that it pulled up, spread about a half-ton of new dirt, sowed seed, spread starter fertilizer, spread straw, and I set up a elaborate sprinkler system to minimize moving. This took me all day.
Total just for repairing the grass debaucle= $300, plus pain & suffering.
While I did that, my father-in-law did some landscaping and redid our flower beds. They look really good. it is a very stark contrast to the lawn, which is mostly moist straw. I found some bardyard animals bedding down for the night yesterday, and I run em' off while saying "GIT!"
As the grass grows back I will take some more pictures so you can see the improvement.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I can stop anytime I want to
here is proof:
I think this time it will work out though. I also think denying self-distructive behavior is the best cure.
Let's all be good consumers
I will spend hours hunting for a good deal, but many times I take big risks on places like ebay and get junk. this is how I feel about ebay:
ebay is horseshit.
ebay has revolutionized commerse in the united states. It has enabled grandmas with little computer acumen to hock their grandma-wares. It has grown from a digital hole-in-the wall, to a marketplace where (I would guess) almost everyone who does internet shopping goes. Anyone can do it and it empowers consumers with the right to sell brand-new stuff to make some money, or their old junk. It allows people to buy and sell collectors items and other rarities. it has allowed people to easily start their own ebusinesses. What a GREAT PLACE! yet, as my best-blog-buddy bleach (how is that for alliteration?) has mentioned to me, if you get ripped off, all you can do is give them bad feedback. I bought a laptop on ebay and it had a broken battery. what did i do? After many pleas with him and terse emails back and forth the worst I did was give the guy bad feedback. wowie zowie! that cleared everything up. This is probably the 3rd time I have been dooped...
Yet, I can't stop from going.
Can you see how big of a problem ebay is to me? I invest all this time into researching a product to make sure I get what i am looking for, and I get burned. I guess I expect people on ebay to have the same customer service that you would find at Target or Best Buy. I go to it with that expectation and I get whooped. I am so blind. It is like some kind of cursed forest that lures me in with low prices and convincence. I skip through the forest enchanted by all of the wonderful birds, flowers, and fruit. But when I eat one of the delicous apples from the tree they contain some kind of aweful worms that work their way into my wallet and abscond with my cash. Then the birds gang-peck my most tender of areas and the flowers mock me.
This day marks a new era where I no longer go to ebay! say it with me:
"DOWN WITH EBAY! UP WITH HOPE!"
lets all share some experiences that we have had on ebay. (leave a comment below)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
My blog is a mess
at any rate, I might try to figure out why this happens and fix it. Or, I might just ask those of you who are using Internet Explorer to scroll to the bottom of the blog if you want to see any delicious factoids about yours truely.
just for fun, I threw in a picture of me in my last halloween costume. I would throw in my buddy Mike's halloween costume from last year, but his costume reaked of homoerotic overtones and there was a explicit lack of clothing that I don't think is suitable for young viewers. Anyway, I got my idea from Reno 911. If you have seen it, this is a rip off of Lt. Dangle.
Sir, do you have a permit for those "rootin-tootin" mud flaps?
That badge is real. The story of the badge is for another day. the mustache is real as well, although I doubt I will write anything about it.
The tie was clip on.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
good idea / bad idea #1
good idea: watching your glamourous pup cooper go potty to make sure he went.
bad idea: keep drinking glass of cooper's urine in the fridge.
See how quick and fun they are?
please share your good ideas/bad ideas.
more good idea/bad ideas to come!
but if you want to see a sure example of sillyness make sure to check out my profile. I love to dance!
Monday, September 19, 2005
type "failure" without the quotes into google and press the "I'm feeling lucky button"
I only wish that there were that many people that linked george bush to the word "failure", but there is another explaniation, read about googlebombing below.
I put "Cooper the Glamerous Pup" (see post below) and just got a bunch of nonsense. I guess it will take a while before his fame reaches the internet.
Googler insights into product and technology news and our culture.
9/16/2005 12:54:00 PM
Posted by Marissa Mayer, Director of Consumer Web ProductsIf you do a Google search on the word [failure] or the phrase [miserable failure], the top result is currently the White House’s official biographical page for President Bush. We've received some complaints recently from users who assume that this reflects a political bias on our part. I'd like to explain how these results come up in order to allay these concerns.Google's search results are generated by computer programs that rank web pages in large part by examining the number and relative popularity of the sites that link to them. By using a practice called googlebombing, however, determined pranksters can occasionally produce odd results. In this case, a number of webmasters use the phrases [failure] and [miserable failure] to describe and link to President Bush's website, thus pushing it to the top of searches for those phrases. We don't condone the practice of googlebombing, or any other action that seeks to affect the integrity of our search results, but we're also reluctant to alter our results by hand in order to prevent such items from showing up. Pranks like this may be distracting to some, but they don't affect the overall quality of our search service, whose objectivity, as always, remains the core of our mission
**quick comment. make sure to click on all these pictures to get the best affect. they are kinda pixilated.
I think the two of you that visit this blog will really like them. These aren't the "professional" pictures, those sucked and I don't have them on my work computer, so this is what you get. I think most of these were taken by one of my best men or his mom. I should have paid her the $800, because the professional photographer sucked big time. I think at least $600 of that $800 went to him tilting the camara. (If you were in the wedding party you would get this)
from the rose garden (Ft. Wayne) with my army of groomsmen. Which one wasn't ready for the picture?
"10 groomsmen!" you say? Melissa and I were having a contest of who had the most friends.
I can't finda good one of melissa and me. I will post a professional one sometime. but here is a kinda dark one of all the groomsladies. i mean bridesmaids.
I think this one takes the cake. Everyone really pulled it together on this one. This was a ad-hock picture taken by some random lady at the rose garden. All of us standing in line was my brother paul's idea, it turned out much better than the homoerotic conga line below, which I am sure everyone will be pissed at me for posting.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU ARE VERY CLEVER INDEED! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
This is pretty funny if you consider that I convinced 10 grown men to pose for this:
we did that congo dance all the way to the manhole (read: gaybar) where we drank margeretas, sang Cher songs, and played a vigorous game of slap-ass. One of my best men later said that he showed that picture to someone and they asked "was it one of those gay weddings?" I am not joking. I wish I were.
notice the enthusiasm on both ends with the sharp decline in the middle. I am quite sure if we plotted the willingness to take this picture with position, it would look like your standard quadratic:
by the way you can click on these and see them bigger. i think you can copy them as well, in case you need a new wallpaper that lets your co-workers know your stance on gay-marriage rights.
okay, enough fun, now I have to go back to what I hate worst.
Friday, September 16, 2005
My lovable pooch
Last night I finally characterized the game that we play with one another. It is called "guess when I have to pee." He is the charming host, I am the hapless victim. Unlike most dogs, Cooper gives no indication that he wants to go out or needs to excrete(#1 or #2). So, the best we can do as doggy-masters is just let him out every once and while and hope that he does his dirty business on accident while he is out playing. It is a real gamble. He would rather do almost anything rather than use the lawn-toilet. He must hate peeing, maybe he has canine gonnarhea and it burns. When I take him out to go the bathroom, he will try to play with me by bringing various toys in the backyard until he realizes that I mean business. I usually try to speed up the process by immediatly pointing out to the yard and saying "go potty" at least 5 times in a row, like he knows what the hell that means. It is pretty funny, b/c he usually just looks at me in bewilderment (see 2nd pic below) during this period, then he sulks out and trys to give it a squirt or two. so, the result is that I have to force him to obey his natural need to dispose of waste.
Coop smugly smiling as I get frustrated over his inability to communicate his potty needs.
sometimes when I have randomly determined that now is a good time for cooper to potty, and i tell him to go outside, he runs away from me and goes to other rooms in the house.
we have an interesting dynamic, coop and me.
So now you see how complicated this makes my lifestyle. Not only do I have to randomly coax him to leave the house to go out to use the bathroom, but I have to go with him to coach him along. This is especially aggravating in the winter when I am in my PJs. Sometimes I just open the door and push him out, but this means I have to do a peeping-tom routine and watch him through the window to make sure he completes the transaction. If he doesn't I have to put on shoes and a jacket and go out and hold his little hand while he goes. This is what dog ownership is about people. Watching and enforcing bowel movements.
I have considered going out there and trying to squeeze him real hard, to try to force it out mustard-packet style, but that hardly seems humane.
Me and my wife talk about the frequency of his business. If he does a #2, when I come in from the backyard I announce it to her the same way I would tell her the steaks are done. I can't put my finger on it, but this is wrong for some reason. Why the hell am I so excited about my dog's truimph over his bodily processes?
I have considered making a system where we keep track of his bowel and bladder content by some sort of posted visual aid, but I thought that would mean that I have crossed the line in to some sort of fascination or obsession with the goings-on of my dog's excretory habits.
This dog may look content, but secretly he is has a level-10 peeing emergency
On a different note, my wife thinks it is imperative to brush the dogs teeth. She has bought dog's toothpaste, and get this: doggy mouthwash. no joke. It is a good thing she does this too, because I sure as hell don't want his teeth dirty next time he bites into his own feces. Speaking of that, are dogs the only species that eat their own poo? To me, that sounds like a efficient way to live. For some reason I know that human poop has a lot of undigested protein in it. If that is the case for dogs, and they can eat their own poop without vomiting, why not give it another go to make sure you didn't miss something? It is like running the dishwasher twice. Okay, this blog has taken a nasty turn.
coop as a very small puppy happily dreaming of chasing cars and barking at strangers. Shortly after this picture is taken he pisses his pants because he didn't know he had to pee.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Letter to senator Lugar
Anyway, I used to think the problem was that we just plain didn't have any to spare, but recently I heard that we did have plenty to spare, they are just dicking around elsewhere. So I wrote him a email that politely asked him to get some troops in there so we can actually affect the region. I wanted to share his response, because this is the first time I have gotten a response that had some content outside of placation and pleasantries. This is most assuredly a generic letter that he sends any Indiana Hick bitching about the war, but it is still refreshing to see some kind of substance.
Thank you for contacting me. I appreciated the opportunity to learn about your opinions regarding our involvement in Iraq.
We are engaged in a difficult mission in Iraq, and the President and Congress must be clear with the American people about the stakes involved and the difficulties yet to come. Almost 1,800 heroic Americans have died in Iraq during the past two years. During the insurgency, thousands of Iraqi Muslims have been killed by other Muslims. Like the recent terrorist attacks in London, the continuing insurgent attacks in Iraq are tragic, senseless, and indiscriminate. Each day, the Iraqi people continue to show their resilience. They get back on the buses and open their shops for business. They return to their jobs as police, teachers, and doctors, and they continue to work for a peaceful, stable country.
The Coalition is working to train Iraqis as effectively as possible to take over security duties from American forces and to solidify Iraqi political development by establishing a constitution and electing a permanent government. As Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, I recently held a series of hearings to examine the security, economic, and political challenges that face Iraq. The goal of these hearings was to put forward ideas for advancing our goals in Iraq more quickly and efficiently. We asked our panel of experts whether the basic counterinsurgency strategy that we are pursuing is the right one. We asked whether it is possible to prevent infiltration of Iraq by foreign insurgents and whether it is feasible for other nations to assume a greater share of our border security burdens. We also asked how we can improve the critical process of training Iraqi forces, so that greater numbers of Iraqis will be capable of assuming the full range of security duties. And we discussed whether changes should be made to the current U.S. force structure in Iraq.
My hope is that the systematic evaluation presented in our hearings will serve to stimulate the Administration as they consider how to shape our future approach to security, political development and the enhancement of economic development and opportunities in Iraq.
I will closely follow these elections and other events in Iraq. Over the last thirty months, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee has held a total of 29 hearings on Iraq to facilitate a wide-ranging public dialogue on the war, to examine the details of Administration policy and to put forward ideas to improve the situation. We will continue to closely follow, and to publicly examine, our progress in Iraq. You may be interested to visit the Committee website, where you can read more about this and other hearings pertaining to Iraq, at www.foreign.senate.gov <http://www.foreign.senate.gov>.
Thank you, again, for contacting me.
Richard G. Lugar
United States Senator
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I already wrote about a page worth of unentertaining gibberish, but when I used the spell checker, the floodgates of inept webpage navigation were throughn open. That is, one of those things happens when you get a "cannot find page " message from your browser. And you go back and it is more of the same, and you are lost and you can never go back to where the oringinal problem arose. this always happend when you are filling in fields so you lose all the stuff you just wrote. anyway, this was a doosie b/c not only did i get so far away from where you are supposted to write the blog, I tried to log into to blogger again and they acted like i didn't have a account. I guess that is their way of weeding out idiots.
this reminds me of the time i hung up on a wrong number one time and when he called me back i acted like i was someone different. i used a high-pitched voice to sound like a kid.
so needless to say I didn't use spellchecker. (look how i spelled thrown above. this is how i spell.)
Anyway, my lost message in a nutshell, was I thought I would start this blog b/c I write alot on my buddies anyway, and it is a good way for me to keep up with my friends and family that i haven't been able to see or talk to lately b/c I am so damn busy with research.
I also wanted to include this picture b/c it is halerious. Admit it people. This is funny, even if you love the silly bastard.