Thursday, June 29, 2006

Dear loyal reader

Dear loyal reader:

I hate you.

Witness the picture capturing my sentiment:

I have written 82 blogs now. Most of them of are supreme quality. In fact, I went through my blog yesterday and read some of them.

They are halerious!

At worst, mildly entertaining.

I am serious. I found the very words that came from my brain, still funny and entertaining. and I wrote them! I laughed out loud on numerous occasions.

As my friends, family, associates, allies, or well-wishers, I think the polite thing to do is to leave a comment once in a freaking while.

I am not asking for a novel. Just a note to let me know you were here, and you have something to say about it.

This brings me to my tantilizing threat:

I am indefinatly postponing writing new blogs until I see that people are actually reading this, and it is worth my trouble. I am going to need everyone to leave a comment on this very post. If it isn't up to my standards, I will retire forever, while mentally flipping you assholes the bird.

Call me insecure if you want. fine. do that. do just that.

The truth of the situation is that I use up my invaluable time writing these masterpeices, and I am not going to spend another second on them unless you ingrateful fuckheads show some fucking support!

do you think these fucking things write themselves? FUCK!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Useful mug

I have a useful mug that I use at work. I use it sometimes twice a day (oatmeal in the morn’, soup at lunch). I stole it from a friend (Steven S) in college because he made loud farting noises in the dorm hall when I was using the public restroom*.

It is useful to have at work because I have to walk to the break-room (100 yds*) and a deep, handled receptacle is much easier to handle then a bowl or poncho (arms sealed). Plus, it really shows off my enthusiasm for Campbell’s soup.

I grow attached to many things that I still have from college. Many things did not make it. I had a pretty impressive set of coffee mugs that I wish I still had. Oddly enough, I still have about 50 packets of sweet-n-low that I inherited from a sub-letter in 1998.

Anyway, this mug is very handsome AND handy, but it has two flaws: (not counting those menacing dwarves pictured on the front, that sometimes ruin my eating experience)

1) Campbell’s soup will not fit in this mug.

Can you believe this? This is a mug that proudly displays Campbell’s soup on the front, and I assume is best enjoyed with Campbell’s soup inside. Yet, an entire can of soup (plus 1 can water) will not fit!

An abomination!

2)When I put it in the microwave with soup in it, it jumps around.

That is right. It kinda “skips”, like it is being bumped (lightly) by an unseen hand. It is loud, it clanks around in the microwave like it is possessed**. I don’t know why it does that. At first, I thought there was water trapped somewhere, and it was being released when it was boiled off, but that surely couldn’t happen more than once.

Every day, a new person in the break-room tells me to take it out. Sometimes, when I leave the room, they will turn it off, but lately I have stayed there to guard it. I really like to push the envelope.

I usually stand away from the microwave, and I sometimes envision a full explosion that rips the microwave door off and a tremendous fireball leaps out of the microwave and flies across the room and smashes the door into splinters. Women screaming, children crying, the sprinklers going off, the whole nine-yards.

That would really liven my work day.

*A complete fabrication
** are the evil dwarves to blame?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Shot-gunning theme

In college, seeing or participating in shot-gunning a beer was a common-place occurrence. Now that I am almost 6 years from that mess, and I have a wife and baby, I thought beer quaffing was dead-and-gone.

However in about a month there was four seperate shot-gunning of beers by me or someone close to me.

It is a theme of my life, lately.

Everybody is doing it these days. It is like the Macarana, 2006.

Matt and I shot-gunning on Derby day-5/2.

Mindy G's (now S's) wedding reception-5/27 (bride pictured)

John's wedding. Sassmouth (mike P) is pictured on the right. (6/8)

Maybe this is like the sitcom of my life, and I am eventually taught a lesson about how my reckless behavior affects the people I love.

This revelation hits me when I finally see this happen:
(queue shocking music)
Alex slips into the abyss*, Mindy S's wedding -5/27

*She is obviously not really drinking this. Don't be an idiot.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Treasure found !

no, not pirate's treasure(at the hands of that murderous pirate, Orville Redenbacher). Gas-station treasure!

I was coming home from Rough River, KY, and I found this awesome air freshener at a gas station there:

It's Max Headroom, remember him? He's back... in air-freshener form.

It was only 99 cents, and well worth it. Now everyone who enters my POS will witness my appreciation for terrible 80's shows. That makes me hip and retro. And it really jazzes up my ride. It totally takes away from the dents and general poor craftsmanship of the car.

This air-freshener really was 20 years old. It wasn't a groovy reprint of an old icon. This damn thing must have really set on that shelf for 20 years.

It still smells like a human head!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

doggy bath

Hya folks!

We just got back from a trip to the lake. Cooper had a great time. (AZZAGOODBOY!) He is one adorable scamp.

His all-time favorite activities were:
1. swimming
2. rolling around on a dead fish and
3. sleeping outside (see #2).

Since he decided to roll in dead fish, and run amok in blecky lake -water, he got a doggy bath when we came home. (by mine own hands)

Pooch bathing is no trivial feat. It is a hour-long ordeal where I have to get in the tub with him in my underware, because he squirms around, and splashs at my crotch. He also has more hair than a wooly mammoth and requires a 1/4 bottel of shampoo everytime.

This is what the tub looks like after a good pup washin':

This is NOT a Camara trick.

Enough for Ted Danson AND William Shatner

After that ordeal, I wondered if this dog-ownership was all worth it.

So, I went down to see how much I could get for him at the local Chinese resterant:


All they would give me was 4 opened fortune cookies and a bucket of used deep-fryer oil.

It was delicious!

Friday, June 09, 2006

simpsons trivia, part 2

more simsons trivia. this is better and easier!!!

1Who is Ned Flanders' wife?
2What is the name of Flanders' store?
3Sole proprietor of "I can't believe its a law firm".
4Who was the substitute teacher Lisa fell in love with?
5"Channel 5 ACTION news with your host ______ ______".
6Springfield's shrink.
7The founder of Springfield was?
8Who was Homer's secretary when he was promoted?
9What health centre did Marge vacation to?
10Bart's baby-sitter and first love. (Sarah Gilbert).
11Burns' beloved bear.
12Who co-owns a horse (with Krusty the Clown) named Kruddler?
13When Bart spray painted a picture of Skinner,what was his principal saying?
14Where did the Simpsons find Santa's Little Helper?
15Ralph's incompetent dad.
16The female version of Homer.
17Who was Milhouse's first girlfriend?
18What vacation did the Simpsons go on just before Marge went to Rancho Relaxo?
19She was the country singing sensation that Homer managed.
20Which Springfield resident was chosen to become an astronaut?
21He is the Plow King.
22Who was Lisa's jazz-playing mentor?
23What was Ned Flanders' job before he opened the Leftorium?
24What is Grandma Bouvier's first name?
25Who is the head of Itchy and Scratchy?
26Selma and Patty's favourite star.
27What restaurant chain attempts to steal and then buy Flaming Moes from Moe?
28Who played Happy Birthday for Mr. Burns?
29Who was the principal when Homer and Marge were in High School?
30Who is Krusty's secretary?
31Where does Barney become trapped in his Plow King truck?
32What were Bart's first words?
33Who are Itchy and Scratchy's European counterparts?
34What instrument does Lisa play in the whacking day episode? (not the saxophone).
35What is the Cat Burglar's real name?
36What is Martin's IQ?
37Who did Krusty steal the crank-call bit from?
38What "letter" is the Cat Burglar's "treasure" buried under?
39What is the bunny called in Friar Wiggum's Fantastical Beastarium?
40Who runs the country according to Smithers germs?
41In Halloween Special V, who is the unquestioned ruler and master of the world?
42Who is the one remaining (sane) ringer on the baseball team?
43What excuse does Homer use (on his insurance form) for buying Dimoxinil?
44What is the placebo cure for the Japanese flu?
45Where does Bart get the name "Woodrow" from?
46Who ran over Snowball I?
47What does Homer's note to himself say in Halloween Special IV?
48What does Bart write on his butt in "Bart VS. Australia"?
50Who does Springfield believe is trapped down a well?
51Who narrates "The Raven" in Halloween Special I?

Friday, June 02, 2006

simpsons trivia, part 1

here are some Simpsons trivia questions. leave your answers in the comments.

I will give you the answers next week. They are pretty tough, I only got 5 right, and I am a big fan.


1.What is the name of the Ultimate Behemoth's satellite?
2.Who is Homer Simpson's brother?
3.What alias "last name" does Apu go under when he joins the Be-Sharpes?
4.Who was kicked out of the Be-Sharpes and replaced by Barney?
5.Who is Marge's art teacher?
6.Fill in the blanks: SMILIN' _______ ______.
7.Who is Dr. Vladimir Krabokov?
8.Who is Radioactive Man's sidekick? AKA Rainer Wolfcastle.
9. What is Bart's big brother's name?
10. Who conned Springfield into buying a monorail?
11. Who replaced Sideshow Bob?
12. Who is Gabbo's puppeteer?
13.Who is the music teacher at Springfield Elementary?
14.What was the happiest day of Ralph's life?
15."Thanks for the fab picture Marge, I hung it on me wall." Who said it?
16.Who was Marge's bowling teacher?
17."It's the soul mass transit system." Who said it?
18.What insect stars on Channel Ocho?

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