Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Perfect Undershirt

I live by a strict code that includes only wearing the brands of clothes to maximize my comfort and value. Part of my genius lies in dividing the cost of an article by the amount of time I wear it. Therefore, I spend more money on clothes I wear everyday like underware and shoes as compared to sweaters or "going out shirts".

And I am a very picky bastard. I am particularly persnickety about shoes. I am partial to rockports, merrels, and aisics. Those are the only shoes that cling lovingly to my feet and make me feel feel as though I am walking on Heaven's floor. I think it is very important to have comfortable shoes, I have sensitive feet!

I am very brand loyal once I find something I likes. In the past year (this is entirely true) I have bought and taken back 6 pairs of boots until I found the current ones I have now. And since they are less than a week old I still may take them back. Although I think my current boots have reached a level of perfection that I previously thought was unattainable.

Man's perfect boot:

Shirts and pants can vary, but I am partial to golf shirts in the summer and button-ups in the winter for work. My shirts must have buttons! I have found that as long as these items meet my button criteria, these sort of decisions are best left to my wife. When I go shopping by myself I usually give up early and always ask the nearest female their opinion, which is kind of dicey because sometimes I end up with shirts that don’t fit and have patterns like tablecloths.

Feeling like I have mastered outerware, these days I am on the quest for the perfect sock and undershirt combination. I have already decided that Champion socks are near-perfect, but I need a polyester/cotton blend undershirt because when my cotton undershirts shrink, I look like Brittney Spears with my belly button showing. I have a long torso! The undershirt I have on now is a hearty 2 inches above my belt.

I just made a phone call to the closest outlet mall’s Hanes/Playtex/Bali to see if they carry polyester and cotton blend undershirts. It was funny to hear myself say “polyester and cotton blend” to someone. I felt really stupid. I tried to liven up the conversation by admitting that I was looking for the perfect undershirt:

Lady: Hanes!

Foo: Hello. I am looking for the perfect undershirt.

Lady: Ok…

Foo: I decided that it must be a polyester and cotton blend.

(Then suddenly I was talking to someone else)

Different lady: Hello?

Foo: Do you have polyester and cotton blend undershirts?

Different lady: Short sleeve?

Foo: Yes.

Different lady: And this lady, I have to ask her…
I just started here 2 weeks ago…
[pause, some talking to someone else in the background]
I am going to isle 3 and I am going to put my glasses on…
It has 97% V-I-O-S-C and 3% spandex.

Foo: Can you repeat that?

Different lady: 97% V-I-O-S-C and 3% lycra spandex.

Foo: Okay, thanks.

Different lady: I am sorry I wasn’t no help.

Foo: You have been a tremendous help. Thanks.

At numerous times during the conversation it occurred to me that I was taking time out of my work day to call a store to see if they have a satisfactory blend of materials in their undershirts. I am really getting old. I need to save some stuff to do when I am 73. I should have faked an old-man voice so that first lady took me more seriously.

I will make sure to keep you updated on my quest for the most shrink-proof and comfortable undershirt and socks.

Wish me Godspeed.


I was going to end the blog here, but I found a great picture of Coop laughing at something. I must have done something funny. He and I are always joking around about my lack of fashion sense and about how one day, he is going to turn me into a runway model with some of his glamorous outfits.

Coop laughing about my outfit or something.

As if his outfits would fit me. Yeesh, dogs are so stupid sometimes.

The best part of it is that he looks like Muttley, the cartoon dog from those Hanna-Barbara cartoons.

Muttley, the snickering & airborn side-kick of Dick Dastardly

I would suggest that Coop go as Muttley for Halloween, but I am sure he wouldn't be caught dead in that putrid aviator cap and scarf getup. Anyway, he'll go as his idol Gianni Versace like he always does.

twice today already i have accidently stuck my entire hand into my full coffee cup. i don't know what my problem is.
this is by far my favorite blog yet...but i have to say, if you would just LISTEN to your wife (as she has been saying this for a couple years now), all you need to do to get undershirts that FIT is to order TALLS (lands end, gap, etc) it's not that hard. and you wouldn't even have to take time out of your day. but, i guess, like you said, it gives you something to do! and i'm sure it entertains the sales associates as well! ha! you're a hoot!
That coffee remark almost caused me to be not employeed.

If you are going to blog about clothes you should not leave out how you accuse me of stealing your socks and shoes. Even though your shoes do not fit me.

Also...Please find out what percentage of your shirts are pink and post that. If you let Melissa have total control this percentage will soar to new heights.

Melissa. You just didn't have any brothers.
lol x4!
Foo = Genius
dick dastardly is my maiden name
Looks like you should get some tampons from Hanes/Platex/Bali for your man-gina.

The Gap has such shits that are $12.00. They are worth the money by your algorithm, as you would wear them every day and they will last much longer than the cheap-o's. If they are on sale, which is likely sometime I would think, you are in heaven.

I do admit the cotton-poly feels luxurious on my areolas, like a little bunny is frolicking about.
i say no thanks to a $12.00 undershirt. unless it somehow has its own way of generating revenue.
That picture of Coop makes my heart smile.
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