Thursday, July 12, 2007

cubical game

I just started a new job.

The weeks before I started work I was elated because it occurred to me that I might be getting an office. All the other engineers have offices, so I thought I would too.

Guess what? I got stuck in a cubical.

My spirit is crushed.

It isn't a big deal, because the cubical I had in my last job didn't have enough room to revolve my chair without hitting something. I usually had to slip into my chair from above. Anyway, I hear we are being moved to what are called "pods" which I think are pretty small as well (too big to be a cubical). I think after a few months in the pods we will move into cardboard boxes.

Before this, I also shared a small room with a who's-who of stereotypical ethnic grad students. Who, by the way, yammered in their native tongue all day directly in my ear. It was very distracting. One also would watch what seemed to be some sort of Indian Cartoon which looked like a rip-off of voltron except everyone had blue skin and some sort of golden armor (along this line). But I digress...

With my current cube mate (across the wall) I have heard some interesting conversations. I usually catch some part of a conversation here-and-there. Sometimes I try to piece together what the context of the conversation is by hearing only a few words. It is usually about work or about her house, which really isn't exciting.

On some lucky days she shares a recipe with another coworker, and I try to figure out what dish she is making with just some tidbits of information. Then I imagine her with an apron and a chef hat on, and serving it to me over the cubical wall.

A lot of my fantasizing during work involves food*.

Today I heard her say, "...chicken and egg" **. I quickly figured it was part of a recipe, and I tried to think about what dish it would be.

I was thinking of some kind of chicken salad with egg in it. All at once, it sounded very disgusting to me and I felt sort of uncomfortable. I am not sure why. I like eggs, and I like chicken. I guess it is the principle of eating two generations of an animal in one dish, which is all kind of mashed together in mayonnaise. The worst part is that you could potentially eat a lot of it and then realize that there is both eggs and chicken in it. You might even bug your eyes and balloon out your cheeks in surprise like Jack Tripper would do.

John Ritter as that lovable Jack Tripper, from TV's Three's-Company. Next Week's obscure reference: Uncle Jesse.

Hey! Let's all agree to make some chicken and egg salad and bring it to our next office pitch-in.

Holy shit! What a great idea! I am so going to do that. This is my chance to freak-out a whole new group of coworkers. I will be known as the guy who is usually normal, but always brings in odd dishes that no one touches. I can bring in stuff like refried bean-and-yogurt dip, or tossed salad with ketchup on it, or Jello squares with olives instead of fruit***. Or, I can bring in food where it is clear I just grabbed something out of the pantry on my way out the door. I can bring in stuff like frozen waffles, cans of creamed corn, or a jar of gravy.

And if someone confronts me about it, I will get defensive and hurt about it until they leave me alone. See? Foolproof!

Please support me in alienating my co-workers with this evil plan.


*the other is that my office is taken over by zombies and I have to fashion weapons and fight my way out.

**I later decided she meant "chicken and egg", as in; "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

***or gristle-lumps

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The best defense against zombie attack is a sawed-off shotgun. I'd ask your secretary about stocking the office supply cabinet with a couple, and a box of shells.

Your chicken egg salad is confusing to me. Moreso in that I'm surprised you haven't had this before.

Have you had tuna salad before? Every tuna salad I've ever encountered has had eggs in it. When I make chicken salad, it seems natural to put eggs in it. It would be odd to me to have chicken salad without eggs in it.

Also, do you know what mayonnaise is made from? If not look it up and prepare to have your mind blown.
Where's the Cooper tie-in?
K. good advice but I tried that on the first day and then I had to talk to HR.

bigD. I think eggs in tuna salad are a terrible idea. you crossed the line. then you crossed a even further line when you said you put eggs in your chicken salad. you use to many eggs. I bet you put eggs in eggs. Go back to Russia with your eggs, Commie.

naw, seriously, I think that is gross. I am sure if you were raised that way you come to expect it. I think I knew that mayonnaise was made from oil and eggs. IT DID blow my mind when I heard it. Actually, when I think of it is still does. Also, when I think about the fact that Ranch dressing is probably 90% mayonnaise, it kinda doubleshocks me.

Tara, hmmm. I got nothing. I'll think of something.
i love this blog. i appreciate the two generational comment. very thoughtful! i have never had both egg and chicken in a salad unless it was a chicken cobb salad. so, acutally, i guess i have had them together. weird.
This blog made me think of LF's egg blog:
Jack Tripper is one of the best sitcom characters of all time especially when teamed up with the flamboyant Mr. Furley. If I'm channel surfing and come across this show, I always stop and watch. And who can forget that relentless poon-hound Larry?

I too missed a Coop tie-in. I think you should counteract your co-worker with fake phone calls to Coop. "Cooper, you know I don't speak Spanish. In English please. You pooped in the fridge!?"
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