Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween at foo's house

In the spirit of Halloween I thought that I would report on the my trick o’ treaters. We had a pretty good showing this year. About 40 in all. For the most part, they were greedy little monsters who showed no remorse as they clawed their way past each other to my precious treat bowl. For the most part, the phrase “trick o’ treat” was just a formality and many of them didn’t even finish the sentence before their mitts were wrist-deep in my candy. Some of the greedy little bastards took numerous candy bars… I usually simply answered with a look of disgust. I tried not to get to upset, because, if you are a fan of Jerry Sinfield you know that candy is the single greatest thing for kids.

“Friends, family, school…These were all just obstacles in the way of getting more candy”

It is basically their only modivation to stay alive. So, I can’t get too mad at them. And if they are going to risk being yelled at by their neighbors, well I guess I have to commend their bravery. I told one kid “just one” and she promptly thrust her hand in and grabbed at least three Hershey bars. I repeated “just one” and she ran off. I guess she knows how to work the system... Good for her.

There was one kid with a “ghostly clown” costume on. It was a bedsheet and rainbow afro-wig. Man, what a lame-o. Maybe she was supposed to be the ghost of that 3:16 guy. I accidentally made fun of some junior-high aged kid for having a pillowcase for their candy bag. I just said “Oh…Pillowcase!” in a fake-impressed tone. I didn't mean to, it just happened.

Lets all share our best and worst costume (this includes adulthood). I’ll start out. I think my best was last year when I went as a knock-off of the cop from Reno 911(somewhere on my blog), and I think my worst was the mummy my brother makes fun of me for. My mom wrapped me in gauze from work and it fell off and I looked like an idiot. You could clearly see whatever clothes I was wearing underneath, so I guess I just looked like a normal kid with a drunk mom. That may tie for when I went as a backstreet boy in college. That was so lame that I am embarrised when i think about it.

Also make sure to report on any reportable happenings when trick o’ treaters came to your house.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

another letter to sentor lugar and bayh

Look, I know no one wants to get serious for one second, but I have nothing else to talk about, so this is something I can share.

After reading about the Avian Bird Flu in my last edition of Newsweek and hearing multiple news broadcasts I think we are in for a world of hurt. I tried not to panic at first b/c i thought it might not be hype, but i am convinced we are in trouble.

Let me explain why by braking up the pros and cons:

bad news:
there is no history of ever preventing a pandemic.

One company makes most of the antiviral, which is patented. Long story short, we ain't getting any for a long time.

it has a 50% mortality rate.*

it is a mutation of the 1918 spanish flu, which killed more people than any pandemic in recorded history (20-40 million).

it eats away at your lung tissue until you suffocate.

there are not enough ventilators or even hospitals in this country to meet our needs if this really gets out of hand.

Not only do we not have the capablilty of making enough innoculations for the US, the inoculation is based off the spanish flu, so it might not work.

Al-quada will probably take credit for it.

Good news:
*the 50% mortality rate is badly skewed b/c those are only reported cases. Some survivors most assuradly went undetected. but 50% after being hospitalized is still bad.

It really puts in perspective that cold you had last winter

Cooper should be okay.

I just saved a bundle on my car insurance.

"Is it time to panic?" you might be asking.

why yes, yes it is.

It is a good time to be a hermit, i know that much.

In a desperate attempt to do what little I can as a citizen, I wrote my senators. This is way democracy is supposed to work folks, so I urge you to do the same. If you are living in Indiana, below are the links to fidn the emails of Senator Bayh and Lugar. you really have no room to bitch about it when it happens if you are doing nothing about it now. especially something this simple that should take less than 10 minutes.

here is my note(sans my name, which i included one the real copy), please feel free to read it and borrow from it if you like.

Dear Mr. Lugar,

Thank you for representing Indiana.

I am writing you to please urge the senate into doing something about the Avian bird Flu that will be upon us very shortly. I am sure that you are privy to the details of this virus, and the ramifications of it reaching the United States. Can temporary labs be subsidized with federal funds (perhaps NIH funds) to help the production of innoculations and antivirals such as tamaflu?

Please do not attempt to placate me by telling me the United States is/will be prepared for an epidemic. If there is anything that this current adminstration has shown me, is that it has absolutely no foresight. Case in point, overwhelming insurgency/lack of pullout strategy in Iraq, and the delayed fedral response to Katrina.


Sunday, October 23, 2005

supermarket happy times

I don't know about you, but I find it impossible not to ride on the supermarket cart on the way of the supermarket. Today, I tried to think about a time where I haven't done it, I couldn't think of one instance.

I am nutty with it I tells ya. I do it even when there are perils like oncoming cars or pedestrians. I always incorporate two methods into my riding of carts. One, I always stop my self fred-flinstone style by dragging my feet. Two, I always lean to one side in an effort to steer it. This has never worked, but I still do as though it does.

until today. Today began a new chapter in my life really. I realized that you can get the cart to steer halfway well by kicking your feet behind you and in the direction you want to go. for those of you down with climbing lingo, it is similar to a flag. For those of you who are picturing me doing full kicks into the air while riding on the back of a cart, it doesn't look as stuipid as it sounds. If i want to turn right, I kick my left foot backward and to the left and kinda twist my whole body.

this is sweet because it really proloings the time i can spend on the cart i think. usually, i have to bail b/c i start to veer into something, but this should really help me stay on. Isn't that great! I know that seems insignifigant, but doing stuff like that at the supermarket is one of the only fun parts, and it was nice to find something to make it better. It is like when you find a song you really like on a CD you have had for a while and you never knew exsisted.

So, in summary, this is a day that will forever change my life. there was pre flag-turning of grocery carts years of my life and post flag-turning of grocery carts years. we have all had these kinds of epiphanies.

also, for those of you that don't know, you can ride on the front of the cart, and push it so the cart is going in the opposite way it is intended to go, and you will usually go about 4 feet and then the thing will do a sweet 180 and keep going. that is really an expert move though, so use your best judgement. also, make sure to be in a wide asile with no stand-up things (or witnesses in case you knock something over, I have had bad experiences).

I also hate it when people pronounce grocery "gross-er-re" instead of "grosh-er-re".

That is all.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

fire damage

I have been feeling very uninspired lately to write anything. sorry aboot that.

In the intrest of keeping this baby going, I rummaged through some pictures on my computer. this led me to want to talk about this:

this is what a garage looks like after a peice of plastic ignites and smolders for more than 10 hours. on the right of the picture is the carcass of a fan that evidently overheated, lit on fire, and smoked all night long.

for those of you who have ever thrown a peice of plastic in a campfire, you know it burns for a long time (realitive to the size) and makes a discusting black, oily soot. this happened in my garage, and what you see is when the soot settled.

the soot made a blanket of black hell on every horizontal surface in the garage. including any closed drawer, not semi-airtight bin, or closed cabinet. you can see this layer on the floor. it has alot of footprints, due to me walking around saying "ahh jeeze" and rubbing the back of my neck. but before that it looked like a fine covering of black snow. satan's snow, you might say. notice the tire tracks. my wife's (POS) car was in the garage and she got whooped(the car not my wife). check it out:

I think I see the Virgin Mary in the hood.

the kids next door told me 'nice paint job'. (I stole their bikes and hid them later that day)

whats more, the wreckage of burning fan decided to lean against the car whilst dying, in an effort to stand-up, shot-cowboy style, and left this eye-sore on the car:

thats melted paint folks. it won't scratch off with your fingernail.

and since insurance companies are kind, understanding folks, looking after my best intrest, we had to claim this on the auto policy (as opposed to the damage in the garage, which was homeowners), so we had to pay to deductables and now we have two claims.

"But wait", I said to the claims adjuster. "My car was in the house, shouldn't that be on my homeowners policy?"

"no, silly boy", he laughed. and then he threatend that anymore questions like that will raise my deductables.

wait! theres more! the soot came in the house and dusted the inside of the house, covering eerything I hold close to my heart. in fact, it may have made it to my heart. I say this b/c we woke up with soot in our nostrils like we were fricking coal miners. But don't worry folks, this kind of plastic just produces dioxin in its soot, which is a carcinogen. I think it is compeletly localized in my brain and bones, so I should be fine.

to make matters worse, this was days after Katrina hit the mainland, so every fire and flood restoration company high-tailed it down to the south. So finding a restoration company was no picnic.

This story does have a happy ending. The wife is now driving a new (to her) 03' Nissan Altima. I, on the other hand, am religated to driving the POS that you see picutred above because of the gas-milage it gets. it has since been cleaned and re-painted, but remains a POS. The upshot for me is we also got new furnature (since our old stuff was covered with oily-soot, that tends to not come out so good). This includes "god's chair" which is pretty damn awesome. Remember, you can't sit in it. Mine!

maybe later we can celebrate some pictures of my chair. pictures of the chair, me sleeping in the chair, me hugging the chair, etc.

This is the face I made the first time I sat in the chair:

Thursday, October 13, 2005

visit to the robo-psychotherapist.

Hello. This post is tough to explain, but pretty funny. First some background:

For those of you who don't know, I am presently working on my master's thesis in Biomedical Engineering. I won't get into the details, but it requires a great deal of programming, something I am not the best at. As my code editor, I use a program called "emacs". It has some built in games. I have been working all day on one small insignifigant part of my thesis and have basically gotten no where, and I was very frustrated. In order to blow off some steam, I thought I would play some of the games. I found a "game" on emacs called "Psychotherapist". Basically you type in a sentence, and it interacts with you as though it is a real person. What follows is my interaction with the "Psychotherapist". I want to emphasize that I didn't change this in anyway, even though it might look like it. This guy was really asking me all these questions and I was answering them as you see. But, I did highlight the "Doctor's" questions in red for easy reading.

I don't think my smart aleky responses are half as funny as some of the stuff he says. Make sure to keep in mind that I am talking to a computer program... Also know that I blindly found this program, and I wasn't sure what it was at first. If it helps, imagine me relunctanly laying on a theripist lounge-couch-thingie with a robot with a sports jacket and a pipe counciling me.

make sure to say everythign in red in a robot voice.

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each
time you are finished talking, type RET twice.

i love this stuff

I would appreciate it if you would tell me about your
relationship with this.


Can you elaborate on that?

help me

Why do you say help you?

because I am sick of this horseshit

Is it because you are sick of this horseshit that you came to me?


I see... Well, what makes you believe this is so?

because i am sick of programing

Does it bother you that you are sick of programing?


Yes, hmmm... so, are you sure that this is so?


I understand. So do you really think this is so?


Oh. ...And what makes you think this is so?

because it is tedious

When did you first know that it is tedious?

when i felt liek jumping of a bridge

What happened when you felt liek jumping of a bridge?

i almost did it.

Earlier you said you love this?

i was being sarcastic dumbass. did they not cover that when you
went to medical school?

Talk about your school.

oh, I see, I must have struck a nerve! A little sensitve about
Medical School Doc?

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

not likely.

Is it because of your life that you say not likely?

wait a second, what are you saying? That my life sucks because I
didn't go to medical school? yeesh, you sure are an elisist...

You mentioned that you are sick of this horseshit?

Fine... yes. I hate it.

Why do you hate it?

I thought we went over this. IT is tedious. pay attention.

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are
going through all this?

not really.

Why do you say not really?

because the people I hang out with don't peer pressure me into

Is the fact that the people you hang out with do not peer
pressure you into programming the real reason?

what? That makes no sense.

Perhaps you could continue.

that's it, I am leaving

What makes you believe you are sick of programing?


Go on, don't be afraid.

I am hesitating because I am trying to phrase this in a way that
you will understand.

Does the fact that you are trying to phrase this in a way that I
will understand explain anything else?

It explains alot about this visit.

How do you reconcile problems at school?

this is a problem at school.

Are you annoyed that your grades could improve?

my grades are good.

Are you afraid of grades?


Why not?

well, I guess I want to get good grades...

Perhaps this has something to do with to your attitude.

I'm leaving.

Is it because of any hobbies you have that you say you are

ah Jesus...

Earlier you said it is tedious?

I'm leaving. bye

My secretary will send you a bill.


Bye bye.

funny headlines

Sometimes I really am impressed with certain human beings.

Check out this hot item from
Man mows “f**k you” into his front yard

If you don't have time to read it, this guy basically didn't cut his grass, and the neighbors complained, and mowing "f**k you" into his own yard was his choice of reprisal. I like that.

That is a good way to communicate with the neighbors, I think. I want to put "bring over some more of that cassarole again" in mine.

Check out this headline:
Horse-Butt Slapper Jailed

That is the funniest thing I have ever read. There are many layers of comedy in that sentence. When I first read it my imagination went wild with the possibilites. Was this someone who was a cronic horse-butt slapper? Some kind of horse slapping maniac? Did he roam the stables nationwide slapping horse ass and leaving town just as the U.S. marsal who was hot on his trial finally caught up? Or was this some local idiot who would sneek into barns at night to slap horse's asses? the farmers would find hand prints on the horses the next morning and shake their fists and curse. "I'll find you, you sunnofabitch", they would say.

This sounds like a headline from The Onion, but it isn't my friends. Apparently, this guy slapped the butts of some police horses and they put him in the slammer. If you have ever seen "half-baked", you know that is a serious crime.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005



i don't have time today for one of my regular awesome posts, but my blog is getting stale so I thought I would post something.

Here is a poster I found on the internet. It shows the body as a machine. This has particular signifigance for us biomedical engineers. It is kinda fun to think about.

Those clever Germans.

click on it and you can super-size (you may have to zoom afterward, firefox has this capablity, not sure about IE).

You can see the analog mechanisms for all the different what-have-you in the body! I mean, this is just fun to look at, it isn't real Einstein.

It is also fun to see what they call all the body parts in German, and try to translate it yourself. "Zee Poopzski ! " is not on there. I looked.

Also, yell every German word like a deranged German. It is much more authentic that way.

all germans yell when they talk. you didn't know that?

on a different note, we just recently got new furniture. This will be a new era of me sitting. I am very excited about it, you see, as our old furtiture might as well have been a bed of nails compared to this plush, velvety stuff. I have my own chair. it is leather and and it smells nice. You don't get to sit in it.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

cereal is hardly ever this fun

I don’t know how familiar some of you are with any Richard Prior movies, but the common theme that I can remember is that Richard Prior was always acting scared all the time. Usually something bad would go down, and he would get scared, and it was funny to see him run around and go apeshit.

I was reminded of him over last weekend when I was at the supermarket. I just so happened to have my camera when I came across a startling and humorous situation in the grocery. This was refreshing, you see, as humor is forbidden in the grocery.

I was in the cereal aisle and I saw a box of trix with the trix rabbit casting his loving gaze on the trix that are always just out of reach.

Trix rabbit smitten by his beloved Trix cereal.

“Typical Trix rabbit ”, I thought to myself. I then proceeded on to the next box in search of my “Crispy Rice” cereal.


I then looked at the adjacent box of Trix and I saw the Trix rabbit in the throws of hysteria:

Trix rabbit emitting a blood curdling scream.

I was shocked to see such a contrast in demeanor of the Trix rabbit from one box to the next. It is very rare to see animated cereal mascot with such artistic range.

I have to ask, "YOU ARE ON A CEREAL BOX, TRIX RABBIT, what the hell is so scary? Spooky lettering? Mared corners? what?"

I want to show the contrast in emotions. Look at the pictures side-by-side, as I saw them:

left: overpowered with fear, subsequent loss of bladder control.
Right: At peace with self, complete ephoria.

I don't think the cereal buying public is ready to confront these types of feelings. After this episode, I am sure many are left with the question, "Okay, does the Trix rabbit have a insatiable desire for Trix, or is he one of those timid, nervous characters that jumps at every little thing?"

Come on, marketing guys, you can't go around changing the personalites of our food-heros. It is confusing. I want to see the Kool-Aid man crashing through walls and surfing on a giant kool-aid wave, not drinking away his depression at a sleezy bar and then crying in bed.

I think these pictures alone are funny enough. on kind reader...

For you see, what we don’t see is the reason for his state of shock. This was assuredly not in the shot when the photographer took the picture. As this is an unusual state of being for the Trix rabbit, it has lead to me speculation about what could be off-camera that made him react this way:

From the looks of his hands, if looks as thought he is preparing for impact. Perhaps off camera there is a bus within seconds creating Trix-rabbit-roadkill.


The marketing department at Trix just told him the news that the screaming from the “If this box screams, you win” promotion (see 2nd picture) will be his screams, because he is getting stuffed into the one “lucky box”.


He finally put together that his missing mother was turned into that familiar angora sweater that the photographer’s assistant always wears.


He is having a bad reaction to some residual hairspray that is still left in his system when he was a test subject for Vidal Sassoon.


The Trix Rabbit is suddenly feeling the wrath of the new mandatory neutering mandate handed down by the HR department at General Mills.


Create your own scenario by leaving a comment!!!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

silly ebay feedback

Hello all.
I have visited ebay again. I bought a battery for my camcorder, and my last purchase was a lock for my laptop. When i recieved the lock for my laptop, I noticed it came from china (the package) and that the lock was also from china.

Every once and a while, you will find amusing translations from chinese produced goods. The directions for the laptop lock had a good one. There are step-by-step insturctions on how to set the combonation lock for the laptop lock. step one is to set the combo to 0000, and press in the "number adjusting rod". Step two is set your "secret combonation"

step three is:
"Decontrol number-adjusting rod and let it return to the original position."

huh? what the hell is decontrol?

step four is:
"Open the lock again now you new personal code is set."

and the rest of the steps are grammatically correct except they spelled "is" like "ie".

in the spirit of poor translation, I thought I would leave poorly worded feedback to the seller. Then, realizing I could do much better, I decided to leave absurdly nonsensical feedback. please see the feedback below for this item, and I even left some other silly feedback on another item for no reason at all.

(you will have to click on these)

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